Mixed Metaphors

I write my own jokes. Some might even call it humor. I like to attribute it to my smart-ass gene. I've been told that I get this from my great, great, grand step- uncle Tex Bonus. Or maybe it was my uncle's niece on my mother's side, Daisy, the Grand Duchess of Portland, Maine. No one really knows.

A lot of people (3) have asked me where I get my ideas. I usually reply, "I dunno. Maybe it was something I ate."

More than likely, I'm just repeating the shit I hear the voices say.

Over the past several months, a lot of my friends (6) have heard me say the following snippets. I call them snippets because "one liners" doesn't apply. (Mostly because they're more than one line.)

There is one good thing I have to say about my ex-wife - she was into anal. No matter how clean I wanted the house, she'd go along with it.

I read that Pillsbury just bought the Trojan company. Their first new product is a self rising condom.

Politics is one of the few endeavors to allow us Absolute Certainty with Virtually No Information… …Religion and Meteorology are the other two.

I was wondering, if AA has a 12 step program, does AAA have an 18 step program?

You know how high heels can tighten a girl's calves and make her ass look great? Well, I once saw a lady who was so ugly her ass made her shoes look bad.

A lot of people think only tight, hard bodies go to nudist resorts. Actually, a lot of women go because they can't go to regular beaches. I mean, where would they even find a 10 piece bikini?

The other day a friend told me she bought a puppy on the internet. I just stared at her a second, then said, "Wow. What kind of printer do you have?

Several years ago I got a hot tub for my wife. It was the best trade I ever made.

Mommy, what's a mixed metaphor? Your daddy is. Why, Mommy? Because he is hung like Einstein and is as smart as a horse.

So that's what a metaphor is!

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