The Last Will

Tomorrow I go skydiving.

I know. I know. You're thinking, "How can that guy get any frickin' cooler?" Either that or, "I get dibs on his liquor cabinet!"

Which probably isn't a bad idea. The dibs part I mean. Because, actually, I kind of pegged the Cool-O-Meter a while back.

So I got to thinking - Last Will and Testament.

I know you are supposed to be of sound mind to write one of these things but if a million monkeys on a million typewriters can, theoretically, eventually write Shakespeare, I figure one homo erectus on an Apple should be able to cobble something together good enough to satisfy the legal arm at Escape Velocity's Corporate Headquarters.

Speaking of lawyers. In the event of my death, I would like to leave all of my former wife's worldly possessions to my divorce lawyer.

In addition, I want to leave my collection of body oils and lubricants to the Baptist Church.

I would like to leave my collections of Playboy, Penthouse, and other erotic art to the Boy Scouts of America; and my partial sets of Melmac dishes to the Waldorf Astoria.

I hereby bequeath all of my winter outerwear to the American Association for Nude Recreation.

And I would like to leave my five-gallon jug of pennies and nickles to Bill Gates.

I would like someone to put the call-to-donate 800 number for The Seven Hundred Club on the National Do Not Call List.

I would like science to work on a better use for the passenger side of my bed.

I would like to donate one gallon of whole milk and one can of air freshener to each of my lactose intolerant friends.

I want to leave my collection of antique beer steins to the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I would like to donate my brain to science and my fingers to simple math.

And on a personal note, I would like to thank all of my very dear friends for allowing me the pleasure of knowing them and to congratulate them on the privilege of knowing me.

Now get out of here. I have a plane to catch.


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