Providentially Speaking

Rhode Island is closer to changing the state's name over slavery. The country's smallest state has the longest official name: "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations."

A push to drop "Providence Plantations" from that name advanced farther than ever on Thursday when House lawmakers voted 70-3 to let residents decide whether to shorten the state's name. It's an encouraging sign for those who believe the formal name conjures up images of slavery.

Opponents to the bill think the new name: "State of Rhode Island and..." would just be silly. One high ranking state official was quoted as saying, "Just removing "Providence Plantations" is not enough. Obviously we have more work to do."

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Small Talk

I was on the deck, outside the resort's dance hall, this weekend. A light drizzle was pattering off the leaves of some nearby trees but the breeze was still warm. Through the double doors into the club I could see several dozen couples swaying to Etta James' At Last.

Davey walked out, fishing a cigarette from his pocket. I flicked open my Zippo and lit it for him.

"Where's your girl?" I asked, looking past him at a tight little behind I hadn't noticed before.

"Oh... we, uh, broke up." He said quietly.

"Really? I thought she was a keeper."

"Well, we had a communication problem. I mean, I couldn't say anything without her misunderstanding me."

"Maybe you mumble." I suggested.

"I don't mumble." he said.

"What?"

"I said I don't... Ah, shut up Johnny."

"Jeeze," I replied. "Maybe that's why she left you."

"She didn't leave me, I left her!"

" 'Cause I heard you don't communicate so good. You know what I mean?"

Davey just stared at me for a couple of heartbeats. Then he continued his story. "A good example of her not understanding me was our last phone conversation."

Go ahead, I nodded telepathically.

"I swear, she was like Gracie Allen. We were going 'round and 'round about something when, finally, I'd had enough. So I said to her, 'Listen, we're breaking up.' She was quiet for a second or two and then she said real loud, 'Can you hear me NOW?' "

When we both stopped laughing, he flicked his butt over the rail and into a puddle. The song inside had changed and he said, "Later." and went in.

A moment after that, Frank walked out. Frank is a day trader and is always talking finances. "I think my ARM is getting ready to readjust." he said morosely.

"Have you tried using shorter strokes?" I asked.

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Click to Enlarge

The Interweb made me laugh this morning. I was having my morning cup of coffee, looking at my Daily 5 on Match.com. These are the sweet things that The Great and Powerful Oz (the man behind the curtain) chooses for me each night while I am sleeping.

Today's batch was entertaining.

First there was the lady with NO baggage at all. It seems that she was jilted by a fellow from Easton, PA, who is a former Marine, a control freak, and who takes his gifts back when he leaves. She claims she spent too much time on this jerk and was warning the other ladies that "he's out there." My guess is that, by now, about 25% of the women are breaking up with their former marine boyfriends, 17% are breaking up with their control freak boyfriends, 12% are hiding their gifts, and the rest are looking for this guy's profile, convinced that they can change him.

Next, it is very rare for my Daily 5 to not include some blind dates. These are women who have chosen not to post a picture. These women are problematic to me. Now, I would like to think that I am not so superficial that looks are everything. In fact, I even talked to one of the Blond Bombshells about this and she said she wasn't posting her pictures in order to weed out the shallow jerks. When I asked her how that was working out, she started to describe some of the losers who showed up: a) because they had not posted a picture either b) because if they had posted a picture they would have never gotten a date with my friend and c) because they made dates with girls without pictures figuring they couldn't get any of the girls who were "pretty enough" to post a picture. My friend now post pictures.

Another problem with the ladies who don't post pictures is their profiles. Every now and then, one of them will list "skinny dipping" as a turn on. This suits me fine because I live at a nudist resort. And, quite honestly, where I live tends to weed out a number of potential dates. So, running across a profile that calls skinny dipping a turn on usually catches my eye.

Unfortunately, a blind date at a nudist resort is like a thousand times worse than a blind date at the local diner. To get here my date has to pass through a security check point, then register at the office, where my name is announced over the loudspeaker to come to the office to meet my guest, and then I have to run the gauntlet of questions as I walk to the office. Not exactly a secret process. Then, if we don't hit it off, it's not a quick cup of coffee, a piece of pie and a "see you later." It is pretty much of a commitment and by that point she is "meeting my friends." Which I think is the modern equivalent of meeting the family back in the pre-war days.

So, I usually skip over the ones with no picture posted.

Today, I was given four choices in my Daily 5. I figure that either means that out of about 750,000,000 gazillion women, The Great and Powerful Oz could only find four to match my unique criteria or one of the four were, like, DOUBLE good.

I didn't have to look far to find the double good one... and she wasn't twins... although, how cool would that be? She did, however, look like she weighed about the same as two large twins... after a big meal... say if they ate another set of twins.

But the thing that cracked me up this morning was the little hyperlink under her photo that said: Click to Enlarge. My first thought was that I would need a bigger monitor. Then I wondered if it would be a satellite picture? Then I began wondering how many other people have already clicked on her and if that was her problem? Which all seems a little unfair.

It is unfair that the first girl had so much baggage and no destination.

It is unfair to the ex-marine with gifts to give.

It is unfair to the poor girls without photos who are going to miss out on all the men with discernment.

It is unfair to the poor girl who has Clicking Causes Enlargement Syndrome.

It is unfair to the poor guys who have to download Google Earth to view the Double Mint Twin.

And it is unfair to me. How can they only give me four choices for my Daily 5?

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